“There is tremendous loneliness in the kind of life where you just don’t feel like anybody knows you.” — Margaret Rutherford
Yesterday, the Brooklyn psychotherapist Daniel Smith defined perfection as the devil. Today, the Arkansas-based Dr. Margaret Rutherford explains what happens in our FOMO age when the devil wins. Her subject is what she calls the “perfectly hidden depression” of today’s Instagrammable types. Perfectionism rates are going up, Rutherford warns. And so, not uncoincidentally, are suicide rates.
Rutherford’s own mother in Fifties suburban Arkansas was a case study. Beautiful, smart, talented and anorexic. The perfectly mannered and coiffeured hostess. Married the “right” husband but in love with the wrong man. An Arkansas Madame Bovary. “The fucked-up fifties woman” as one of her friends called it. She became a prescription drug junkie because of her addiction to perfection. Nobody knew her, not even herself. The relentless camouflage of her life became a prison. Rutherford has spent the last decade trying to help people escape that prison — first with her book Perfectly Hidden Depression, now with a companion workbook.
On AI and therapy, Rutherford is equally blunt as Daniel Smith. She noticed that AI always praised her ideas. But what if AI, like Instagram, is what she calls “a bunch of shit”? A real therapist tells you what you may not want to hear. The AI shrink starts with flattery. Rather than therapy, that’s just more camouflage for a perfectly imperfect life.
Takeaways
• Perfectionism and Suicide Are Rising Together. The researchers have been screaming. The happiest-looking people slip through every crack.
• The Camouflage Becomes a Prison. Fuelled by fear and shame. You can’t let anyone see you struggling — not even yourself.
• The Fucked-Up Fifties Woman. Rutherford’s mother. Beautiful, anorexic, addicted. Nobody knew her.
• It’s Not Money. It’s Connection. Harvard’s seventy-five-year study. The perfectionism epidemic and the loneliness epidemic are the same epidemic.
• AI Therapy: What If It’s a Bunch of Shit? AI starts with flattery. A good therapist starts with the truth.
About the Guest
Dr. Margaret Rutherford is a clinical psychologist in Fayetteville, Arkansas. She hosts the Self Work podcast.
References
Website: https://drmargaretrutherford.com/
About Keen On America
Nobody asks more awkward questions than the Anglo-American writer and filmmaker Andrew Keen.
Website: https://keenon.tv/ Substack: https://keenon.substack.com/ YouTube: https://youtube.com/@KeenOnShow
Chapters:
00:00:31 Introduction: Daniel Smith, perfection is the devil, and the anxiety memoirist
00:02:47 Constructive vs. destructive perfectionism
00:05:00 The relentless camouflage of performing your life
00:08:19 FOMO, social media, and keeping up with the Joneses on steroids
00:10:46 Her son’s Patagonia moment: the comparison trap
00:13:02 Are therapists the new priests? The secular Bible problem
00:15:06 Perfectly Hidden Depression: the book publishers said perfectionists wouldn’t buy
00:17:18 You deserve to be truly known
00:20:00 Her mother: the fucked-up fifties woman
00:22:44 The Epstein files, dystopia, and perfectly imperfect times
00:27:18 Agency and the American dream of reinvention
00:30:25 Perfectionism and the epidemic of loneliness
00:32:51 The social media trial: why did people celebrate?
00:37:17 AI therapy: what if it’s a bunch of shit?